1. |
...Money...
00:53
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2. |
The Life of a Goblin
06:42
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LYRICS:
I was born as a goblin, I’ll die as one too
This story is tragic and sad
For the life of a goblin is not very nice
In fact, it’s particularly bad
For the ladder of life is a symbol of hope
For all those who can climb to the top
But so many successes are born on the backs
Of the goblins stuck down in the slop
Where would the heroes of legend all be
Without goblins to slaughter with impunity?
And just how would they reach the requisite ex-pe-
-riences to fulfil their profound destinies?
For heroes are treated as kings of the world
But the goblins are jesters and fools
For the life of a goblin is cruel, so cruel
The life of a goblin is cruel
The watchers all hide a dark secret
So we’re gonna start whistle blowing
For ritual circles don’t light up by magic
It’s goblins that keep it all glowing
They’re all chained underground and they turn a big wheel
So people can see when the circle is sealed
...And they only get fed on a horrible gruel...
For the life of a goblin is cruel, so cruel, the life of a goblin is cruel
You rich folk all like to buy armour
From traders like Darkblade and Chow’s
And it’s all very reasonably priced there
But have you ever stopped to think how?
There’s hundreds of goblins all slaving away
Making your chain for a copper a day
...And they’re not even given appropriate tools...
For the life of a goblin is cruel, so cruel, the life of a goblin is cruel
When you’ve been fighting your battles all day
Who do you think drags the corpses away?
We’re so quiet and stealthy you never would know
When you feel the calling of nature
You visit the square shrine of Lugh
And by now you can probably imagine
How they really get rid of the poo
There’s a whole bunch of goblins all stuffed in a wagon
They suck even more than the king of the Dragons
...They wish they were fed on a horrible gruel...
For the life of a goblin is cruel, so cruel, the life of a goblin is cruel
Yes when you’re a goblin your tears fall like rain
So please make a donation to lessen our pain
We’d like to have cash, but we’ll also take jewels...
For the life of a goblin is cruel, so cruel, the life of a goblin is cruel
__________
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3. |
Erin Port Song
05:40
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LYRICS:
Yo-da lay-heeee lay-heeee-eee-eee yoo-hoo
My name is Granny, and I'm an indentured goblin…friends
This story I tell you is true
I lived to serve my evil master, even though he had a loose screw
And we’d experiment all night and day
'Til we magicked ourselves off the edge of a cliff
Off an old Erin port far away
Yo-da lay-heeee lay-heeee-eee-you whoo-hoooo
Now we floundered and paddled and panicked….friends
Our prospects they looked rather grim
and Boonie he turned and yelled sadly
“Hey Granny! Why can’t us poor goblins swim?”
Granny here had no decent answer
As I tried to keep the moisture at bay
At the soggy bottom of the edge of that cliff
Off an old Erin port far away
Yo-da lay-heeee lay-heeee-eee-you whoo-hoooo
Now I hoped and I prayed for rescue…..friends
As old drowning grannies will do
When the water started frothing up madly
Me and Boonie hadn’t a clue
Tentacles...or some other, giant besuckered appendage…
I wasn’t looking that closely…
Surfaced in every which way
We were grabbed in a jiff near the edge of that cliff
Off that old Erin port far away
Yo-da lay-heeee lay-heeee-eee-you whoo-hoo
Now a kraken is a mighty cruel beastie…..friends
But what rode it was the cause for dismay
For there a blue troll sat in an Admiral’s hat
And a grin that would turn you all grey
‘‘Now look here you pair of purple goblins” he thundered
“You’re too purple to be edible prey,
So you’ll be bards and you’ll yell songs to make us sound swell
Or at the bottom of this cliff you will stay.”
Now me and Boonie aren’t musically gifted
Our voices are all squeak and shake
But even an old purple granny
Can rhyme when her life is at stake…
So we follow the great Grand High Admiral
And we screech the whole live-long day
For while the songs are not great, better than a watery fate
Off that old Erin port far away
Yo-da lay-heeee lay-heeee-eee-you whoo-hoooo
Yo-da lay-heeee lay-heeee-eeeee you-hoo
__________
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4. |
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LYRICS:
Troy Tempestuous, never disingenuous
Our Grand Admiral
Took over the Dragons Navy from Gull uh uh ull
His nose is very cute, quite the connoisseur of boots
And of finest jams
And he is available ladies, oh oh oh oh
And if a werewolf comes for a fight, Troy is first in line!
Bang bang Troy’s big silver hammer comes down on their head
Bang bang Troy’s big silver hammer makes sure that they are dead
Now some history, Troy was getting ritually
Several years ago
Demons pouring out of the voidgate, oh oh oh no
Troy got quite annoyed, pushed them back into the void
Demons could not hide
Terrified so they locked the voidgate from the inside
But all the demons didn’t escape, some got left behind!
Bang bang Troy’s big silver hammer came down on their heads
Bang bang Troy’s big silver hammer made sure that they were dead
Fourth Battalion, debonair and valiant
Always hold the line
Except for when they’re pushing it over, oh oh oh oh
Not just shock and awe, filling up the chest of war
With their canny trades
Making sure the Dragons have got their magical blades
And when the battlelines have been drawn, the trolls are at the fore!
FOUR!
Bang bang all those big troll hammers come down on their heads
Bang bang all those big troll hammers make sure that they are dead
...Interlude...
Bang bang all those big troll hammers come down upon their heads
Bang bang all those big troll hammers make sure that they are dead
Bang bang all those big troll hammers come down upon their heads
Bang bang all those big troll hammers make sure that they are dead
Fourth Battalion, Jam Jam, Jam Jaaaaam
__________
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5. |
...Love...
01:06
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6. |
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LYRICS:
This one is for the guys with the wizarding towers
Items racked up like it's power hour
When he roll up in the field I be blazing up
He’s got stacks of taal like he’s savin' up
And he mean, obscene, a well oiled machine
He pop potions and he's the good kinda green
He mows down foes like a five star show
He’s always in the circle but he never scores low
He's the captain of the ship ship
Gold coin on a drip drip
Spore spreading trip trip
Kiss him on the lip lip
That’s the kind of uruk I've been lookin’ for
And yes you get slapped if you looking yo’
I said 'scuse me, you’re a powerful greenskin
My my my my like a hideous cuteskin
You look grim, with your crooked grin
You smell mouldier then the guy who fell in the bin UH
Yes I did, yes I did, somebody please tell him who this goblin is
I’m Granny Amanita, back you dudes up, and blast your lines up
Chorus:
-----
Boy you've got my foes dead or running away
Your casting’s super fly and I’m here to stay
I really like your boom badoom boom boom badoom boom
I like your mighty power base
Boom badoom boom boom badoom boom
You've got a wicked power base
Boom (repeated a lot)
I really like your boom badoom boom boom badoom boom
I like your mighty power base
Boom badoom boom boom bdadoom boom
(She really likes your power base)
-----
This one is for the uruks with their own brand
Entrepreneur goblins with a fast hand
They can roll with a guild, or make their own stand
But I think I like him better when in command
And I think I like him better with the mage armour on
He ain’t even gotta try to put the chain on
He’s just gotta give them that bolt, when he gives them that bolt
Then their heads are rolling off off UH
I said excuse me, you're a powerful guy
And I've really gotta thing for powerful guys
Sigh, sickening sight
I can tell that you’re in touch with your horrible side UH
Yes I did, yes I did, somebody please tell him who this goblin is
I’m Granny Amanita, I'll back your dudes up, and chuck the charms up
---Chorus!
And I need you in my life cos I'm cray
I’ll enthral ya with ma spells so that you’ll stay
Oh no no no don’t go away...
Magebolts kicking off all over the place
You make awesome jam, and you’ve gotta cute face
I really like your boom badoom boom, boom badoom boom
Your sadistic attitude towards others
Boom badoom boom, boom badoom boom
What girl doesn't?
---Chorus!
__________
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7. |
King Kazoo
04:37
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LYRICS:
Long long ago when the egg was young
All the goblins gathered for a feast of fungus
Lowly creatures, shunned by the world
And afraid of everything
But one had a plan that would change the state
Of the fate of the fledgling goblin nation
He would win them the world through war
And they would crown him King...
King Kazoo
Now King Kazoo was a bright young thing
And he took all the tribes underneath his wing
He gave them courage, gave them hope
For a brand new goblin dawn
So his army trained on a frozen plain
In the burning sun and the pouring rain
And every goblin cheered at the sound
Of the High King's mighty horn...
All rallied round at the sound of the High King's horn
King Kazoo, the bringer of the goblin dawn
So King Kazoo led his army true
And they marched to the walls of an elven city
There arrayed, the elves dismayed
At the horde that shook the ground
And the King stepped forth and proclaimed aloud
"No more will the goblins be your slaves
We've had enough of your bullying ways
So we're gonna stab you all in the face!!"
Elves ran around at the sound of the High King's horn
King Kazoo, the bringer of the goblin dawn
So the goblins charged but it didn't go well
Yes the battle was short and mostly un-remembered
Turns out Kazoo wasn't very good at war
So everyone was tragically and brutally dismembered
Charged to their deaths at the sound of the High King's horn
King Kazoo, a second rate goblin spawn
So Kazoo was dead but his legacy
Will remain with us for eternity
His holy horn, a reminder of
The perils of goblin mediocrity
And this sacred object of great cultural significance
Which is awarded to young goblin bards
As a highly ceremonial gesture
Has been ruthlessly stolen and unashamedly exploited
By an unscrupulous entertainer
Who’s always dressed up like a jester..
Lester the minister of cultural appropriation
The blue and yellow Jester of the please-don't-kill-us Viper nation
You're clearly rich and famous so we want some bloody reparations
From Lester the minister of cultural appropriation
__________
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8. |
What is Up With Fey?
04:31
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LYRICS:
We were asked to perform for the fey of Erdreja
So we did some research into the array-a
Of notable sub-categories and flavours
Identified by their specific behaviours
Kelpies are horses who hang near the water
They gather up children and swim off to slaughter
Selkies are seals who turn into your wife
If you burn their old skin then they'll stay in your life
Brownies are small and they hide like a mouse
If you feed them they help you with jobs in your house
Boggarts will also come into your home
But they'll steal all the things that you think are your own
The help of a pooka is often invaluable
Generally though they're a bit of an animal
Playing the pipes are the reveling fawns
Their goat-footed dancing will churn up your lawn
Spriggans are leafy they grow and they shrink
The lorelei sing you right into the drink
Peat faeries help when you're stuck in a bog
Changelings will sneak in and swap all your sprogs
This idiosyncratic menagerie
Performing their duties so diligently
Arouses a question at which you may scoff
What does a faerie do on their day off?
Redcaps are serious students of fashion
They colour their caps with the blood from their slashing
Gloshteen are made of a horse and a cow
If the weather is stormy they caper and howl
Shoe-making leprechauns like their own company
They'll grant you wishes if you will just let-them-be
Knockers reside in the deepest of mines
They'll tell you of treasure and danger at times
Shellycoats love all their joking and pranks
Fir darrig eat carrion cos they are rank
Bocans will jump you and chop off your legs
Ellyions paddle in boats made of eggs
This idiosyncratic menagerie
Performing their duties so diligently
Arouses a question at which you may scoff
What does a faerie do on their day off?
Don't let the huldrafolk lick your enormity
You'll come away with a minor deformity
Massive and monsterous are the fomor
Except that they don't have their glamour no more
Noble fey are by comparison normal
They mostly like politics and being formal
They don't get forced into peculiar jobs
So if you're a fairy you'd best be a nob!
There's Boggles and buggars and gittos and ghillie dhu
Ashrays and eelays and nixen and neeb-el-loong
Clurichans, mazikeen, salanderee
Wee Pillywiggins and wicked ficti
This idiosyncratic menagerie
Performing their duties so diligently
Arouses a question at which you may scoff
What does a faerie do on their day off?
And we've not even touched on the courts and their styles
The Seelie and Unseelie, Celti and Wild
They're far too confusing so we just won't try
Cos we're not paid enough and we don't want to die...
There's Boggles and buggars and gittos and ghillie dhu
Ashrays and eelays and nixen and neeb-el-loong
Clurichans, mazikeen, salanderee
Wee Pillywiggins and wicked ficti
This idiosyncratic menagerie
Performing their duties so diligently
Arouses a question at which you may scoff
What does a faerie do on their day off?
Yes what does a fairie do on their day off?!
__________
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9. |
...Auditions...
01:24
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10. |
The Corpse Conundrum
06:09
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LYRICS:
How do you hide a dead body, that's come to a grisly end?
The coppers have been round asking questions
And it's getting kind of hard to pretend
That the lump in the carpet that's shaped like a person
Is just an old rug that...my gran put a curse on
How do you hide a dead body? We ask on behalf of a...friend
Well our good friend Dwyn, through no fault of his own
Had a corpse that he needed to hide
So he went into his garden and he dug a little hole
And he stuffed that body inside
Then he went down to the tavern for a pie and a pint
To celebrate a job well done
But a gnarly old wolf came along in the night
And it smelt the fresh meat and it thought "Yum yum"
And when Dwyn woke up with a thundering head
He looked out of his window and he nearly raised the dead
Cos the corpse was looking back at him, all chewed up and torn
With a lovely set of entrails all over his lawn
How do you hide a dead body, that's come to a horrible end?
(And then been chewed on by wolves)
The coppers have been round asking questions
And it's getting kind of hard to pretend
That the gut-wrenching smell that’s infesting our house
Is the rotting remains of a...very large mouse
How do you hide a dead body? We ask on behalf of a...friend
A little while later poor Dwyn had a similar problem
That he needed resolving
So he visited the Alchemists and had a lovely chat about acid
And how it's great at dissolving
Then he poured several gallons of it into his bath
Then he chopped up the body and he threw in the meat
Then he stepped back and watched as the acid did its thing
But then it burnt into the floor for about thirty feet
And as Dwyn stood staring at the smouldering pit
He heard an ominous sound and he thought "Oh...sugar lumps"
And the house came crashing down on top of his head,
It's honestly a miracle he isn't now dead
How do you hide a dead body, that's come to a violent end?
(And then you’ve destroyed your house)
The coppers keep coming round with their questions
And it's getting kind of hard to keep up the pretense
That the swarm of black flies coming out of the basement
Are...very small demons on a...planar exchange placement
How do you hide a dead body? We ask on behalf of a...friend
So by this point poor Dwyn was becoming concerned
That his fortunes were now inauspicious
For after a number of misunderstandings
The neighbours were getting suspicious
They whispered in shadows and stared in the streets
And he knew that he'd have to take measures
So he invited everyone to a huge party
For feasting and dancing and pleasures
But while they cavorted inside the great hall
A horrible accident would tragically befall
The building caught on fire and the door became stuck
And everybody perished, what terrible luck...
How do you hide a dead village, that's come to a crispy fried end?
(And you’re definitely not responsible)
The coppers keep turning up on what’s left of our doorstep
And it's getting really hard to make the stubborn bastards believe
That everyone went on a very long journey
But we stayed behind to eat all this...beef jerky
That’s how you hide a dead body.
Be sure to tell all of your friends!
__________
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11. |
Your Worst Nightmare
04:57
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LYRICS:
Now us goblins don’t often cut much of a figure
Most of Erdreja’s species are notably bigger
When rating by quantity goblins are seemingly ample
But what good is that when we’re all so easy to trample?
Powerful fighters are great yeah they're totally grand
But muscular definition is overrated and bland
Goblins are really the jewel in the crown of your nation
For our physical shortfalls are made up for in imagination
Chorus:
-----
Cos a goblin is your worst nightmare
We’ll poke out your eyes and pull out your hair
We don’t hit hard but we do it with flair
Oh a goblin is your worst nightmare
------
We make big boys cry in the right situation
Put the "oh stop" into intimidation
Stuff scorpions inside your underwear
Oh a goblin is your worst nightmare
Now Boondoggle may have a face that you just want to mangle
But he's not a goblin with whom you’d be happy to tangle
Cos while you’re busy listing all the ways you wish he’d expire
He’s gathered up your nearest and your dearest and set them on fire
Well Granny’s complete lack of scruples is perfectly natural
Cos our racial obsession with sadism’s completely factual
She’s the worst sort of granny for tucking your kids in at bed time
But she’s always on board for committing unspeakable hate crimes
---Chorus!
For us, the unmentionable is totally right
We’ll gather up your shoelaces, an’ tie em up tight
Then trip you into pits, brimming with spikes
Unethical? Maybe. But a total delight
Cruelty so foul you’ll be weak at the knees
Sharp edged rulers and rabid killer bees
Horrible experiments with boiling hot cheese
Cute fluffy puppies that are full of disease
We’ll kidnap your mum and poo in ya beer
We'll cut off ya toes with mirth and with cheer
Blazing hot pokers, introduced to ya rear
Being nasty’s a really great goblin career
---Chorus!
We'll catapult you in the air to see how far you can fly
Shiv you in the dark whilst yelling DIE DIE DIE
We love all of your screaming, we don't know why
We’re super duper serious- we love it when you cry
Vats full of acid and kicks to the shin
Waking up screaming over granny’s evil grin
We'll hide under beds and inside your bins
No low is too for a purple greenskin
---Chorus!
Highly trained seagulls that peck at your face
Total pandemonium all over the place
Seize domination over every other race
By the end of this song this may well be the case
Oh a goblin is your worst nightmare
We’ll completely wreck your life, with love and care
We’ll eviscerate your favourite teddy beeeeeeeaaaar
We’ll take over the egg, it’s time to despaaaaaaaiiiir
You want us on your side in all warfaaaaaaare
Or the goblins will be your worst nightmare
__________
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12. |
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LYRICS:
All this time, crawling in the darkness
All this time, shivering in the cold
All around, my brothers and my sisters, growing in the mould
Goblin seed, barely more than fungi
Breaking free, scrabbling at the walls
And suddenly, it's clear to me, I'm meant to eat them all....
Chorus:
-----
And at last I see the light, and it's like the spores are shifting
And at last I see the light, and it's like the way is clear
So I'll scratch and scream and bite, and I'll eat my weaker siblings...
All at once, everything looks different now that I am freeeeeee
-----
There she is, standing there before me
Family, dripping from her teeth
Spawning pit, bubbling beside us, will our lives be brief?
There's no room, for weakness in the litter
Starve and die, the fate of those who lose
So if she tries, fratricide, I'll drown her in the ooze...
---Chorus!
Mess with me, I'll claw your sodding eyes out
I'm in charge, don't forget that fact!
Well while you sleep, I'll slice your ugly face off
And wear it like a hat
I'm sorry that was mean, here I brought you this cute puppy
You're so sweet, I'll throw it in a fire
YOU'RE SO MEAN
I HOPE YOU DIE
I'LL KILL YOU YOU WARTY OLD HAG
---Chorus!
All at once, everything looks different, now we’re family
__________
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13. |
...Revenge...
00:38
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14. |
Goblin Sexy Dance
03:26
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LYRICS:
I was in my cell doing five to eight
When they introduced my new cellmate
With skin as green as gangrene on a frog
He said, "I need to save my goblin hide
Or this time tomorrow I'll be fried
But we need to get past three guards and a dog"
He said, "Close your eyes so you can't see
I'm going to throw a shape or three
My sexy goblin dance will set us free"
And when I opened up my eyes
The dog was bald and paralysed
And the guards had checked into therapy
Chorus:
-----
Goblin sexy dance - erect a bell tent in your pants
A sexy dance - your retinas won't stand a chance
A sexy dance - what's been seen can't be unseen
It's a sexy dance, sexy dance, sexy dance, sexy dance
Once you've gone green you'll never get clean
-----
We were out of jail and on the run
When a vampire tried to spoil our fun
She said "I'm going to suck your jugular"
I said "I'm a goblin and he's a goblin
We don't know the first thing about juggling"
And the vampire said "No! I said Jug-u-lar! It's a vein in your neck..."
As the vampire made her move
The goblin got into his groove
A strange look came upon the vampire's face
Her eyes were busting and her loins were lusting
As she gazed at his disgusting thrusting
And exploded into ash and burning lace
---Chorus!
Found a carnival on the edge of town
With a bearded lady and a scary clown
They chased us from the freak show to a tent
We ducked inside for a place to hide
But we were surrounded on all sides
By creatures that were tall and thin and bent
He began to twist and spin
But so did his distorted twin
In the Hall of Mirrors, the goblin met his match
He fell in love with his reflected self
And morphed into a prancing elf
I snuck out and left him in his sticky patch
---Chorus!
Once you've gone green you'll never get clean
Unless you preen like an elven queen
__________
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15. |
...Goodbye...
00:56
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Granny and The Boon London, UK
The tyrannical Granny Amanita and her long suffering sidekick Boondoggle are maladjusted goblins from the magical world of
Erdreja. Born into a life of slavery, they have now tasted sweet freedom and are out to make the most of it!
---
Granny and Boondoggle are fictional characters from the Lorien Trust Live Roleplaying System. These songs are based on the peculiar world and stories of that game.
... more
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